30 Days Until 30 - Day 30!!

This is it. Tomorrow I am 30. I am saying so long to my 20s by posting things that have helped mold me into the...adult...I am today.

The single most influential thing in my life is me. When you stop and realize that you have the power in your life to choose how to respond in any given situation, you finally find freedom. Freedom to think, to feel, to breathe, to be you!

The best thing anyone can do for themselves is relinquish control over things you never really had (or needed) control over in the first place. There are so many times in life when you have to stand up & fight for what's right. I think that people these days just keep themselves in warrior mode fending off would-be attackers so often that they end up being offended over everything & martyring their life away.

The best way to fix anything in this world is to work from the inside out. Start with your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit. Live by example. Teach.

I was planning to have this last post be goals I have for my coming years. But i'd rather live in this moment. So instead I go out with gratitude & love.

Thank you to my husband Chuck & my 4 beautiful children. To my mother who is why I am still sane. My father who I am grateful for having wonderful memories. My sister who I call my co-mommy of my kids - seriously, I love you! My brothers who are some of my best friends! To my husband's wonderful side of the family - all the Kinions, Gildons, & Zarembas who are all brilliant. And to each & every friend I've met along the way. You all are why I am ecstatic every year as I look back to see how far I've come & as I look ahead at all the mystery of what's next.

I am so grateful for the amount of life my husband & I packed into our 20s. Maybe we can make time for a nap in our 30s? :D

Happy Halloween!! ^^oo^^

30 Days Until 30 - Day 29

I am Amber, of Midgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose... I'm still trying to figure out what that purpose is. But I'm 99% sure it's gearing up the world for my children.

The most defining thing to happen to me was becoming a mother. But as parenthood goes on I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable knowing that one day, my children will be in this world after I've already moved on.

I am a pretty good parent. I raise my children to be themselves, to love, to give, to breathe... but it's hard to watch them learn that not everyone loves everyone. They have witnessed hate or worse, apathy. They know that everyone makes mistakes & they forgive. But sometimes topics come up that confuse them.

Gender stereotyping is a big one, people are always trying to put my kids into a box. A lot of times it's other kids doing it. That I don't mind as much. I've explained to my children how to handle it. But when it's the checkout lady at Walmart telling my 5 year old daughter that Spiderman is too manly for her I get a bit angry.

Sometimes my kids or myself do things that fit the norm, other times we don't. It's not the box I'm afraid of. Sometimes I enjoy the box. It's cozy. What I do mind is the small minds who think they control who goes in & comes out of it.

Someday I'll figure out exactly why I'm here (or not, honestly it's more fun that way). But for now, my mission is keeping my kids from feeling obligated to get into the conformity cube at times when they'd much rather run free.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 28

I am an ever evolving woman. Life is about embracing change & growth. But one thing that will never change is my enthusiasm. For life, for optimism, for my kids, for Batman, ya know whatever.

Being enthusiastic is sort of the defining quality of being a nerd. Which is something that more & more people are readily embracing. As they should. If being yourself & acknowledging how much things make you happy makes you somehow weird or odd... well so be it.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -Marilyn Monroe

The great big difference between being a fan of something & being part of a fandom is the magnitude of your enjoyment & the level at which is has effected your life. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite really the opposite. There are fandoms that stretch worldwide covering all kinds of people. You have the opportunity to engage with people you would have never crossed paths with otherwise.

And talking about things that make you happy is good for your health. It's good to be jump-on-the-sofa excited every once-in-awhile. Even the lively debating that goes on amongst fans is good for keeping you on your toes.

So many people will bicker & argue & complain without batting an eye. But gushing & showing affection is something people would rather be kept to one's self. Kind of backwards if you ask me. Point is, much like many of my posts, BE YOURSELF. And LOVE.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 27

I have been wondering if I should write a post about how mental health has effected who I am. I am 100% comfortable with who I am & it was only recently that I discovered what that meant. I am an emotions based person, I am extremely empathetic, & I also talk too much (or not at all depending on how comfortable I am with who ever I am speaking with).

But the path to uncovering all my layers was riddled with thoughts of "maybe I am just crazy" & "I am overreacting"... figuring out what makes you tick, as well as what your negative triggers are, is a process that happens entirely inside your own mind. If you are not comfortable being inside your own head, then you'll never find your true path in life.

I went from hot blooded teen to married with children quite quickly. After my first child was born I was diagnosed with depression & put on zoloft until I self weaned. The year my second was born I was in the process of losing my father, moving, & dealing with a lot of life changes. Actually not dealing. After a few years I went through the state mental health system - notice I did not say health*care* system - and ended up in group therapy. Apparently I didn't have depression, I had anxiety. I was on medication again a whopping 5 days. I told them how happy it made me, which again, apparently wasn't supposed to have happened. I was then put in group therapy. I was in an amazing group lead by an amazing counselor. I know that I was where I needed to be, learning things I needed to learn. But for the 6 week duration of the program I had the worst migraines, the *only* migraines I had ever had in my life.

I have had two more children since then. I took control of my mental health care after each pregnancy. I realized that most of my ppd was actually new mom anxiety & that I could not handle any birth control that involved hormones. At all. Which really narrows your choices.

But the best thing I realized was that there is nothing broken about me. Through all my growing I have been more aware of my thoughts & feelings. I have been more comfortable owning them, more comfortable showing them. I truly believe some people just have a broader spectrum of emotions than others. Sometimes it leaves you fangirling over some awesome new thing, other times it leads to 1AM debates on the mental stability of a fictional character in a movie who is a metaphor for broken things in our reality.

Regardless of the pros & cons. The minute I took notice of what made my brain tick & stopped trying to fix it is the moment I started enjoying life more.

This is in no way saying mental health issues aren't real or that mental health care isn't needed. It is. Our's is a messy system where people get lost, treated after the fact, or cookie cutter treated. What I am saying is spend sometime with yourself. Learn what makes you you. Get help with what worries you, get guidance with things you can't work through on your own, and talk. A lot.

If you are in need of emergency care, if you are ever feeling like hurting yourself or others, pick up your phone & talk to someone now. 1 (800) 273-8255. The world needs YOU and it needs ME. Most importantly, it needs US to be the best & truest version of ourselves.

Be fearless, be colorful, be honest, be you.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 26

This post goes out to the one I one I love! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! My siblings say all the time that my mother & I are practically the same person. This is the best compliment I could get because my mom is awesome.

I would truly be lost with her. Actually, I wouldn't be because she raised me to be strong & get through what ever life throws at me. But I wouldn't be half the mom I am if I didn't have such a good example. She always put us first, even now she still does.

Now I only hope, when my kids have children of their own, that I will be as awesome a Gramma as she is.

Love you Mom!!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 23

Have I expressed how much music has helped me over the last 30 years? When I was a kid I was all about country music. Although I remember my very first favorite song was Take My Breath Away from the Top Gun soundtrack. As I got into my teens I even got to meet a few of my inspirations (Martina McBride, JoDee Messina).

Some where along the way I ventured into other genres. I remember loving I Don't Want To Miss a Thing by Aersomith (again from a movie soundtrack - Armageddon). Then it was Bon Jovi, Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls...

In 2006 My Chemical Romance release Welcome to the Black Parade. I was going through some major life moments that I was choosing not to deal with. MCR quietly, well actually incredibly loudly, held my hand & charged through all of it.

These days music is amazingly fun to listen to with my kids, watch my husband play, & yes, it still helps me. As I take on big projects or even just during average household chores, music makes everything brighter.

Music is more than the soundtrack to my life - it is the memories, the moments, the possibilities.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 22

Living in the city makes it a bit harder to appreciate nature. But it's a big part of who we are. I mean, if we don't respect the planet we're living on, it can fight us off like a disease.

Arizona is the perfect spot to enjoy natural beauties. Besides the Grand Canyon, we have desert landscape, forestry, rivers, & lakes (okay, some of those are man made, but they are still awesome!).

One of my favorite things in the world is monsoon season. The rain, wind, dust, lightning & unpredictability of it all is soothing to me. After a good storm it feels like the desert dwellers can breathe again. We need a good cleansing every now & then.

I realized recently that I've seen less than zero percent of the world. I have high hopes of traveling to see more of it someday. But until I do, my family & I continue to have a blast checking out all the natural wonders within road trip distance.