Free Thought Friday - Self Destruct Button

"Well I think I see your problem. Everything is wired through this self destruct button. Do you even need that?"

 

"Well of course I need tha--wait! No, I don't. I do not need that!" 

 



Well, it's the night before another birthday party at my house. Another event I have all planned out. I plan out a lot of my life... to the minute. Then one of two things happens.

1. Some inconceivable problem arises to thwart my plans (or something obvious that I totally saw coming).
2. I throw the plan out the window and wing it. 

I tend to do well in 'fight or flight', 'sink or swim', 'crunch time' type moments. It's when I have time to attempt order that makes me crazy... or anxious. One time, far off in the future, one of my plans will go off without a hitch.

But until then, I vow to stop being my own self destruct button. I am going to chart my course, then go with the flow of things. You win some, you lose some. But you'll never be victorious if you keep getting in your own way.

And I'll pay attention to my subconscious, too:

"...I tried that robot [uprising] once, too. I hid the self destruct button on the bottoms of their feet, so nobody could reach them."

 *BOOM*

I hear ya.

 

Don't be a Doof.

and that's my free thought this Friday:)

Good news, Goals, and Gratitude

If you look in the right column here on my blog, you'll see a list of goals. I put them there to remind myself, as well as light a fire under me. If I say it out in the open - more pressure to get it done.

 

Well, I'm happy to report that I am just about ready to revamp the list! That's right, 3, count em, 3 things ready to be checked off. More details on which ones and how I accomplished them will come later. Right now I want to talk about the most important factor in 'getting it done.'

 

Gratitude.

 

Cliche? Absolutely. But it's true. When you are preforming the balancing act of life, swaying between peace & chaos, sometimes those tangible things you desire start to seem like just a dream... or a daunting nightmare. So instead of writing down what you want or need, write down what you have.

 

It may seem hard for some to do. What if you want your marriage to work, but feel like it's failing? Stopping and writing down anything may seem frivolous. But give it a try. Write down all the things you do like about your partner... or your house, your job, anything.

 

Awhile back there was a moment when I felt like I lost one of my children. I let outsiders get into my head and make me feel like there was something wrong with one of my kids! I started being impatient and distant and it effected my relationship with my baby. One day when I was literally in tears about it, I grabbed a pen and paper and just started with little things - anything that made me smile, feel proud, or even at peace with the person my little one was becoming. Things started flowing out of me, I started with talents my child had, then good memories we shared. I soon realized how wonderful this person in my life was... and how I let others' judgement - people who didn't really know me & my children - effect me on the deepest level. BUT MAN DID THAT PEN & PAPER HELP.

 

If you are waiting for good news to come into your life, start bringing in your own! Even if it's just 'dinner was good' 'family movie night' 'I got to soak in the tub for 10 mins'. Write it, own it, focus on it.

 

Once you've seen the lovely things in your life - chart your goals. But be sure to keep track of both short term and long term goals. Heck, even a daily to do list will let you realize what you accomplish and where you'd like to refocus your energy. And once you start checking those things off, you'll feel like a champion - which is exactly what you are.

 

Keep an eye out for future posts on how I accomplished the goals listed on the right. And watch out for my bucket list! My husband & I our writing our own & a shared list. Live your life the way you know it is meant to be!

 

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grat*i*tude: the quality or feeling of being thankful or grateful

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Free Thought Friday - It Is What It Is, Unless It Isn't

Some days rock, some days suck.

Deal with it...

Fix what you can. Frak the rest.

Believe, laugh, breathe, act, reflect, dream, observe, live, love.

...and that is my free thought this Friday.

Also, I apologise for semi-swearing, it's been a day of the 'suck' variety. ;)

In Which, I Am Both Jenny & Johnny [a proclamation on my mind]

This post is for a unique part of the population. The over thinking, sometimes anxious, but always 'all in' type. (if you just stopped to wonder if maybe *you* are an over thinker, you are. Keep reading.) If you don't fall in this category this post might not interest you, but my brain post from the other night is far less overreaching - and it's fun, you can check it out here.

I had to get some things done today, things I've been wanting to get done for a long time. I have these projects in my head and since my wheels are always turning, my list keeps growing. But since I am an over thinker I often plan, and re plan, and think, and quite often I am too overwhelmed to actually 'do'. So today, I shut down my brain and barreled through so much. No kidding I cleaned, reorganized the dishes in the kitchen, moved furniture, re shelved all my kids books, and a few other things... I checked so much off my list it actually seems psychotic.

Such a wonderful thing to be able to shut down and just go for it... then it was time to reboot.

*KaBOOM*

I hopped in the car to go get my kids from school and my mind just came racing back to me in all its passionate glory. I had My Chemical Romance rocking on my radio, as usual, and I was listening to my anthem - Bulletproof Heart (which I am sure is directed towards my brain as I am clearly both Jenny & Johnny in this song - at least they make up a good portion of my chaotic brain). And guess what - I literally had half this blog post written in my head while I was singing along to the radio and going over what I had left to do today... all while beaming triumphantly at the day's success.

That's when it hit me - slow down! Not the car, no, my thoughts. Every once-in-awhile I just embrace the fact that I must be bipolar or experience mania to some degree. I get so ready to get stuff done that I go all in until I realize I'd better ease up or I am going to Thelma & Louise it right off a cliff... so to speak (see how I keep comparing myself to 2 people at once?). This feeling comes and goes, it doesn't bother me except when I wonder if my kids are thinking "which mama are we getting today?"

But that's just my brain being dramatic again. My mind is a daily lesson on balance. Balancing the peace with the chaos, the patience with the action, the good with the bad. Practice will eventually make perfect-ish and I love to just go with the flow of things.

So to all you over thinkers remember this: Sometimes you need a plan! And sometimes you need to shut down just to stand up! Master your mindful craft and remember - you rock... and roll. See, it's always a 2 for 1 with me! ;)

Politics, Religion, and Other Topics That Make You Popular

Alternate title: What Speaks Peace, But Produces Chaos?
Made for TV Movie Title: So I Married An Atheist

My husband recently "came out." No, he's not gay. He somehow thinks that would've been easier. He has just embraced Atheism. He is in no way trying to minimize the bravery it takes to be openly gay - even these days. He was just terrified to 'spill the beans.' He never really hid it, just didn't talk about it until recently. My sister also came out recently, and yes, I do mean in the 'gay way'. :)

I think it is wrong for anyone to hide anything about themselves. It's ridiculous and harmful. I never thought of myself as having anything hidden. That is until I wrote this post for suicide awareness day. There I was, scared to talk, scared to share. But I ended up doing it anyway. If it helps anyone realize they need to speak out loud about their thoughts - so be it. If not, at least I got it off my chest. Oh, the stigma surrounding mental health issues! Kinda makes ya feel like hiding in the dark, in a closet perhaps?

It's just pitiful! Let's take popular battle ground #1: religion. If you're a person of faith - you're probably into 'spreading the good news', if you are a person of science - you are most definitely of the debating-the-facts-and-brainstorming-problems variety. But more often than not, this topic turns into people feeling the need to defend their stance or cram it down your throat because you're wrong if you disagree! What ever happened to *meaningful* discussion?

Popular battle ground #2: politics. Here's the thing, when you live in a democracy and you have a voice in things, then it is absolutely essential to talk. To share information, to discuss the who, what, when, and how of things. Not to sling mud, form anti-groups, boycott, or (and here's the kicker) choose ignorance & political apathy because you're afraid or disgusted by your options. Even politicians themselves have stopped talking about their own ideas and just focus on tearing down the other guy.

Other topics that won't have you winning a popularity contest: parenting (especially the baby years!), environment, mental health, sexuality, I have even seen lengthy debates over what is and isn't okay for comedians to joke about [spoiler alert: nobody agrees on what is 'off limits'].

Listen up people, it's not going to get better unless EVERYONE can realize these 4 things:

1. If your faith, thoughts, and opinions are rattled by someone else not sharing them; then your faith, thoughts, and opinions weren't that strong to begin with.
2. You'd want to be loved & respected for who you are, not in spite of it. So do the same. This is HUGE for family strength. People are hurting themselves because they'd rather have that pain than face their families finding out one thing or another about them. Don't be a part of the hate, hiding, and hurting.
3. The world (I'm looking right at you AMERICA) will never know true freedom until people stop plugging their ears and building their walls. Seriously. True freedom dictates the same rights be available for ALL. If you want to be free to think and feel, it stands to reason you'd let the next guy have the same dignity.
4. When you start labeling yourself never forget: each label is just a part of the whole picture that is uniquely and wonderfully you. And that applies to everyone.

Last thought of the night: The Dalai Lama recently shared this thought ---> All the world’s major religions, with their emphasis on love, compassion, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness can and do promote inner values. But the reality of the world today is that grounding ethics in religion is no longer adequate. This is why I am increasingly convinced that the time has come to find a way of thinking about spirituality and ethics beyond religion altogether. I wholeheartedly concur. We can move to better understand ourselves across all borders. We can take care of each other without prejudice, so that no one has to live in fear or shame.

Written thoughtfully and with love,
By an all inclusive to-a-fault, lukewarm Democrat, believing in God but definitely not in the conventional way, nonreligious, science loving but questioning, supportive wife of an Atheist, mother of 4 very different individuals, who has battled PPD & anxiety and is out of the dark an staying put!!

Free Thought Friday - Brains Aren't Just for Zombies!

Brain: the part of the central nervous system enclosed in the cranium of humans and other vertebrates, consisting of a soft, convoluted mass of gray and white matter and serving to control and coordinate the mental and physical actions. [dictionary.com definition]

Brain: Your brain is the boss of your body and runs the whole show. [kidshealth.org definition]

Brain: use it or lose it.

We all have our own built in biological computer, our circuit board with our own individual wiring.

Everything you think, feel, and act on is handled by your brain. When someone says "he's got a big heart", you can actually thank his brain for the kindness. That breath you just took without even thinking, yes your lungs took it... but your brain told it too.

Have you appreciated your brain today? Not everyone does. Everyone uses theirs every single day. Don't let anyone tell you different. We're all wired different, we all think for ourselves, we all get passionate - or can't seem to muster up passion for - different things.

So feed your brain, appreciate it and it will reward you. You'll reap benefits like mental clarity & focus, more energy, better memory, maybe even ward off issues that come to some people in old age - like dementia and Alzheimer's.

CHALLENGE YOURSELF! Take up a new hobby, read read read, play puzzle games, solve a murder mystery (ya know, for pretendsies), or even just try brushing your teeth with your less dominant hand or taking different routes to familiar places.

Remember, brains aren't just for zombies!

And that's my free thought this Friday!

(Thank you brain.)

 

Shining a Light in the Dark - A Post For #SuicideAwarenessDay

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I have been trying to figure out what to say on the subject of suicide. This particular topic is touchy, it has a certain image to many, and requires anyone sharing to be startlingly open - even when keeping things vague. Please bare with me as I recount my thoughts, for it is VERY important to discuss - not for me, but for the many who haven't yet found their voice.

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"I don't think about suicide. I think about thinking about it." -rationalizing thought

 

"I can see how people get to that point." -sympathing thought

 

"I couldn't even if I wanted to, I've got too many people who need me around." -dismissive thought

 

It took me years of 'breaking points' to realize the above thoughts that floated in and out of my head were not okay. They were not thoughts of a person who was doing fine. I never ever spoke those words, just let them come and go when they needed to. I had been through meds for post partum depression after babies, I had been to a number of mood management therapy classes (passed with flying colors!) after losing my dad and letting things pile up. But this one topic I never wanted to speak about - out of shame or embarassment or maybe even confusion as to what I was even thinking... I'm not sure.

 

One night, enough was enough, the weight of a summer wrought with heart break, pain, medical issues, and finacial woes put those thoughts back in my head. I HAD BEEN DOING SO GOOD. I was NOT going (even *sympathetically* going) there again! I sent a text to the only person I felt comfortable blurting this out to in the moment:

 

"Are you up? I'm not okay." -courageous act

 

And from there, I was free. Once I got out in the open something I never ever ever ever let anyone (anyone!!) even remotely know, I was free to process what I had been denying and dismissing. Was I suicidal? No! But I was way to comfortable with the idea of that kind of fall back.

 

After a brief but life changing (saving!) few text messages I woke my husband, handed him the phone and gave him a moment. He read, we talked, he cried... we shared, we laughed, I breathed.

 

 If you are ever feeling suicidal or even sympathetically suicidal, talk. EVERYONE has SOMEONE to tell. I cannot explain to you enough the relief it brought talking. Was my mind instantly fixed? Of course not, my mind is a chaotic one - I'll be working on that forever. :) Did my burdening problems go away? NO. But making connections and not hiding literally saved my life. Even if you think about thinking about suicide, open up! Please, the dark is scary, shine light on yourself.

 

Suicide is something you can never ever ever ever ever take back.

 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US) 1 800 273 -8255

http://www.nationalsuicidepreventionlifeline.org 

 



1-800-784-2433

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

 

RESOURCES

http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm

 

 

9.11

 

Image links to http://www.allegiancemusical.com/blog-entry/reflect

 

I will remember where I was forever, and how shaken I felt even from the opposite side of the country.

We say we'll 'never forget', but how long did it take to become a country divided - yet again.

Remember, reflect, regroup.

☮   ☮

☯ Free Though Friday - Living is Learning ☯

2012 has been a trying time for me so far, but you have to take the good with the bad. You have to let life happen to you, in all its' peace & chaos. Just make sure you are living with it, not fighting against it.

I have kept telling myself that things are happening this way to strengthen my family. But we are already strong. So what is the universe trying to do? I've lived this year already... back in 2005 - low on money, sickness plaguing a family member, finances running low, new baby in the house, issues tugging the people I love apart... Why am I having to do this all again?

Because that's life. Money comes and goes - get over it, get it, use it, let it go. Loved ones get sick - life is precious, live it. New babies in the midst of chaos - bring innocence & peace. Feuds, fights, petty things - these are here for you to learn about yourself.

Knee-deep in the middle of a difficult year I am listening. I have learned how amazingly strong my family is, how intelligent, capable, and adaptable we are. I have learned who I can talk to about anything, and I who I definitely can't. I've learned not only who is there for me, but who I am willing to be there for (spoiler alert - I'm not the doormat I seem to be!). I've even learned what my breaking point is - and that was scary! But I've also learned it's not the end of the world.

So when you are in the middle of a bad moment... day, week, year... life! Try to listen. It might not be bad, so much as trying to teach you something. It will take some discipline to realize when to act and when to be patient.

 ☯

"I will meet each struggle with a smile, with all my might, and be ready to listen. Living is learning."

☯

 ...and that is my free thought this Friday.

I Guess I'm a Nerd *Weather* You Like it or Not!

I love a good monsoon storm. Monsoon's in Arizona mean total unpredictability. It's funny because I also love the calm orderly Phoenix area weather. I'm not sure I could live anywhere else. I mean...

"You don't have to shovel sunshine."

and

"It's a dry heat."

 

But I get all giddy when it rains. I embrace the chaos of a crazy storm like it is my best friend. And the calm after a storm... it's like we haven't been able to breathe through the heat or the pollution and a good storm is like CPR. I just love it. The air smells good, the thunder sounds beautiful, the lightning looks gorgeous, the rain feels refreshing... I guess I've never tasted the weather, but I bet it tastes like chocolate.

Do I miss the sun during marathon storms? Sort of. :) Check out a few of my peaceful sky photos below and thanks for enduring my nerdy pastimes.

  

didyouknow : Monsoon is a season not any particular storm, it's a change in the precipitation because of wind patterns and brought on by the change in heat. Nerd!