30 Days Until 30 - Day 30!!

This is it. Tomorrow I am 30. I am saying so long to my 20s by posting things that have helped mold me into the...adult...I am today.

The single most influential thing in my life is me. When you stop and realize that you have the power in your life to choose how to respond in any given situation, you finally find freedom. Freedom to think, to feel, to breathe, to be you!

The best thing anyone can do for themselves is relinquish control over things you never really had (or needed) control over in the first place. There are so many times in life when you have to stand up & fight for what's right. I think that people these days just keep themselves in warrior mode fending off would-be attackers so often that they end up being offended over everything & martyring their life away.

The best way to fix anything in this world is to work from the inside out. Start with your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit. Live by example. Teach.

I was planning to have this last post be goals I have for my coming years. But i'd rather live in this moment. So instead I go out with gratitude & love.

Thank you to my husband Chuck & my 4 beautiful children. To my mother who is why I am still sane. My father who I am grateful for having wonderful memories. My sister who I call my co-mommy of my kids - seriously, I love you! My brothers who are some of my best friends! To my husband's wonderful side of the family - all the Kinions, Gildons, & Zarembas who are all brilliant. And to each & every friend I've met along the way. You all are why I am ecstatic every year as I look back to see how far I've come & as I look ahead at all the mystery of what's next.

I am so grateful for the amount of life my husband & I packed into our 20s. Maybe we can make time for a nap in our 30s? :D

Happy Halloween!! ^^oo^^

30 Days Until 30 - Day 29

I am Amber, of Midgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose... I'm still trying to figure out what that purpose is. But I'm 99% sure it's gearing up the world for my children.

The most defining thing to happen to me was becoming a mother. But as parenthood goes on I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable knowing that one day, my children will be in this world after I've already moved on.

I am a pretty good parent. I raise my children to be themselves, to love, to give, to breathe... but it's hard to watch them learn that not everyone loves everyone. They have witnessed hate or worse, apathy. They know that everyone makes mistakes & they forgive. But sometimes topics come up that confuse them.

Gender stereotyping is a big one, people are always trying to put my kids into a box. A lot of times it's other kids doing it. That I don't mind as much. I've explained to my children how to handle it. But when it's the checkout lady at Walmart telling my 5 year old daughter that Spiderman is too manly for her I get a bit angry.

Sometimes my kids or myself do things that fit the norm, other times we don't. It's not the box I'm afraid of. Sometimes I enjoy the box. It's cozy. What I do mind is the small minds who think they control who goes in & comes out of it.

Someday I'll figure out exactly why I'm here (or not, honestly it's more fun that way). But for now, my mission is keeping my kids from feeling obligated to get into the conformity cube at times when they'd much rather run free.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 28

I am an ever evolving woman. Life is about embracing change & growth. But one thing that will never change is my enthusiasm. For life, for optimism, for my kids, for Batman, ya know whatever.

Being enthusiastic is sort of the defining quality of being a nerd. Which is something that more & more people are readily embracing. As they should. If being yourself & acknowledging how much things make you happy makes you somehow weird or odd... well so be it.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -Marilyn Monroe

The great big difference between being a fan of something & being part of a fandom is the magnitude of your enjoyment & the level at which is has effected your life. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite really the opposite. There are fandoms that stretch worldwide covering all kinds of people. You have the opportunity to engage with people you would have never crossed paths with otherwise.

And talking about things that make you happy is good for your health. It's good to be jump-on-the-sofa excited every once-in-awhile. Even the lively debating that goes on amongst fans is good for keeping you on your toes.

So many people will bicker & argue & complain without batting an eye. But gushing & showing affection is something people would rather be kept to one's self. Kind of backwards if you ask me. Point is, much like many of my posts, BE YOURSELF. And LOVE.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 27

I have been wondering if I should write a post about how mental health has effected who I am. I am 100% comfortable with who I am & it was only recently that I discovered what that meant. I am an emotions based person, I am extremely empathetic, & I also talk too much (or not at all depending on how comfortable I am with who ever I am speaking with).

But the path to uncovering all my layers was riddled with thoughts of "maybe I am just crazy" & "I am overreacting"... figuring out what makes you tick, as well as what your negative triggers are, is a process that happens entirely inside your own mind. If you are not comfortable being inside your own head, then you'll never find your true path in life.

I went from hot blooded teen to married with children quite quickly. After my first child was born I was diagnosed with depression & put on zoloft until I self weaned. The year my second was born I was in the process of losing my father, moving, & dealing with a lot of life changes. Actually not dealing. After a few years I went through the state mental health system - notice I did not say health*care* system - and ended up in group therapy. Apparently I didn't have depression, I had anxiety. I was on medication again a whopping 5 days. I told them how happy it made me, which again, apparently wasn't supposed to have happened. I was then put in group therapy. I was in an amazing group lead by an amazing counselor. I know that I was where I needed to be, learning things I needed to learn. But for the 6 week duration of the program I had the worst migraines, the *only* migraines I had ever had in my life.

I have had two more children since then. I took control of my mental health care after each pregnancy. I realized that most of my ppd was actually new mom anxiety & that I could not handle any birth control that involved hormones. At all. Which really narrows your choices.

But the best thing I realized was that there is nothing broken about me. Through all my growing I have been more aware of my thoughts & feelings. I have been more comfortable owning them, more comfortable showing them. I truly believe some people just have a broader spectrum of emotions than others. Sometimes it leaves you fangirling over some awesome new thing, other times it leads to 1AM debates on the mental stability of a fictional character in a movie who is a metaphor for broken things in our reality.

Regardless of the pros & cons. The minute I took notice of what made my brain tick & stopped trying to fix it is the moment I started enjoying life more.

This is in no way saying mental health issues aren't real or that mental health care isn't needed. It is. Our's is a messy system where people get lost, treated after the fact, or cookie cutter treated. What I am saying is spend sometime with yourself. Learn what makes you you. Get help with what worries you, get guidance with things you can't work through on your own, and talk. A lot.

If you are in need of emergency care, if you are ever feeling like hurting yourself or others, pick up your phone & talk to someone now. 1 (800) 273-8255. The world needs YOU and it needs ME. Most importantly, it needs US to be the best & truest version of ourselves.

Be fearless, be colorful, be honest, be you.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 26

This post goes out to the one I one I love! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! My siblings say all the time that my mother & I are practically the same person. This is the best compliment I could get because my mom is awesome.

I would truly be lost with her. Actually, I wouldn't be because she raised me to be strong & get through what ever life throws at me. But I wouldn't be half the mom I am if I didn't have such a good example. She always put us first, even now she still does.

Now I only hope, when my kids have children of their own, that I will be as awesome a Gramma as she is.

Love you Mom!!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 23

Have I expressed how much music has helped me over the last 30 years? When I was a kid I was all about country music. Although I remember my very first favorite song was Take My Breath Away from the Top Gun soundtrack. As I got into my teens I even got to meet a few of my inspirations (Martina McBride, JoDee Messina).

Some where along the way I ventured into other genres. I remember loving I Don't Want To Miss a Thing by Aersomith (again from a movie soundtrack - Armageddon). Then it was Bon Jovi, Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls...

In 2006 My Chemical Romance release Welcome to the Black Parade. I was going through some major life moments that I was choosing not to deal with. MCR quietly, well actually incredibly loudly, held my hand & charged through all of it.

These days music is amazingly fun to listen to with my kids, watch my husband play, & yes, it still helps me. As I take on big projects or even just during average household chores, music makes everything brighter.

Music is more than the soundtrack to my life - it is the memories, the moments, the possibilities.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 22

Living in the city makes it a bit harder to appreciate nature. But it's a big part of who we are. I mean, if we don't respect the planet we're living on, it can fight us off like a disease.

Arizona is the perfect spot to enjoy natural beauties. Besides the Grand Canyon, we have desert landscape, forestry, rivers, & lakes (okay, some of those are man made, but they are still awesome!).

One of my favorite things in the world is monsoon season. The rain, wind, dust, lightning & unpredictability of it all is soothing to me. After a good storm it feels like the desert dwellers can breathe again. We need a good cleansing every now & then.

I realized recently that I've seen less than zero percent of the world. I have high hopes of traveling to see more of it someday. But until I do, my family & I continue to have a blast checking out all the natural wonders within road trip distance.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 21

LOVE holds us all together. Love is definitely a big part of who I am. I have always told my children that the love that I give them is immeasurable. Love is not sliced up between them like a piece of pie. With every child I had, my love grew.

But before all the love the parenting brings, there was my husband & I. We met young, married young, & started our family young. I had never been in love before him. I had been smitten, but nothing resembling love.

For anyone out there wondering what true love is... it's a lot like the Pink song of the same name.

My husband makes me laugh & feel special. He let's me grow. He doesn't 'help me around the house' because it's not about me. He works hard to keep our household going because he is as invested in it as I am. He is also the only one who could rip my heart out. We've fought, we've cried, we've pushed through and conquered whatever life has thrown at us.

Love is not always warm & fuzzy & happy. It's a choice you make everyday to be the best person you can be & to live your life in an unselfish way.

Love: (n) an intense feeling of deep affection

But let's not forget how much love is an action, not a just feeling. When you care for someone on the inside, that's great. You feel great. But it's truly love when you mirror that feeling on the outside & it shows through your actions.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 20

When you break people down completely, strip away their politics, religion, careers, class, social status, & whatever else has been taught or handed or worked for you are left with one's humanity.

What sets the tone for a person's character is their ability to feel. No matter anyone's intelligence, emotions are a part of everyone. Some are more in touch with their feelings while other's have the emotional depth of a teaspoon (again, shout outs to all who got that reference, #nerdparty).

The world is definitely lacking empathy. An abundance of apathy has infected the population. Society continues to blame society for this, when in fact, we *are* society.

I, myself am burdened with too much empathy. I can soak up a room full of hostility & then dish it back out in a way that makes everyone else in the room forget what they were fighting for & just focus on how crazy I am. I can literally crawl inside the mind of a fictional character & feel their pain. This is why I tell my husband he can pick a movie, but nothing "heavy". We watched John Q once & I immediately banned it.

I have overcome this by trying to surround myself with good hearted people, an easy achievement with the families my husband & I have.

I truly believe if we all took less notice of the things that separate us & just make the choice to care for one another. And if everyone slowed down & took stock of their feelings the world would change. I believe whole heartedly that we can choose happiness as long as we remember, peace is not the destination, it's the way.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 19

Creeping ever so close to 30, I have been rummaging through my mind contemplating what has shaped me to be the person I am today. I missed a few days. Because...children. :)

Today was one of those epic-ly awesome meets emotional disaster type days. I often find myself wondering is it fate? Or what we do that makes things play out the way they do. Were things destined to be complicated? Or did I complicate things by expecting them to head that way?

Planning & expecting are two very different things entirely. Things often don't go as planned, but things do tend to go how I expected them to.

It's different for those situations that are out of your control. We've all seen the expectations vs. reality memes. You know the one "sleeping with a baby." The expectation of cuddling with your tot on glisening white sheets as you both sleep soundly & beautifully. But the reality is a hot mess of sweat & jumbled blankets and more than likely a foot in your face & a leaky diaper. But the only choice you made there was putting your baby in your bed, the baby has all the cards here.

But in situations where you yourself are a key player you can have more power. But do you tend to assume the worst? I don't usually think I do. But there is a cynic growing deep within me. One that does not trust anyone to do anything. So she does everything alone. But sometimes it's not physically possible to handle it all. So she lashes out. Whether or not anyone deserves it, the motions are already set & the expectation of disaster is indeed correct.

So maybe I need to work on my perceptions of reality. Or maybe I need to stay in the moment. But one thing's for sure: I need to keep that cynic at bay. Because when she makes an appearance, plans get scrapped & harsh reality becomes the only reality.

When all was said & done today was pretty awesome. Sometimes steam needs to be vented. Maybe regulating that in a more productive way will be a goal I can achieve in my 30s. I'll add that to the list with consistently doing yoga, cutting back on soda, & figuring out how the hell anyone can actually meditate. Honestly, is a quiet mind even achievable for everyone? Or am I the only one in the chaotic mind club?

Namaste. ;D

30 Days Until 30 - Day 16

Does our ancestry define us? Or do our preferences in entertainment? How about our yearning to be located elsewhere in the world while simultaneously rooting for the home team? (Go America!)

Anglophilia (noun): admiration for Britain and British customs

Who me? Absolutely. I am an anglophile. I'm not ashamed.

Anglophile - http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anglophile

I have not just a fascination with England but with all of Great Britain. England, Scotland, Wales, & Northern Ireland.

May I highlight my affection for Scotland for a moment? The people, the land, the culture... can I convince you to go Google "Scotland's national animal" for a second? Go ahead, I'll wait... ... ...crazy awesome, right? Scotland wins on that alone, but the accent doesn't hurt them either.

The British are more than just Shakespeare, tea & crumpets, & Doctor Who... but do they need to be?

One day, maybe in the confines of this blog, I will share my experience of traveling to this wonderous land. But I have to make it there first. Until then, I will enjoy their music, actors, photographic landscape, & biscuits.

I dare you to read Very British Problems' Twitterfeed, @SoVeryBritish, & not daydream of an awkward, dry, comedy starring Tom Hiddleston as a neurotic British gentleman just trying to make his way in this world.

I'll leave you with that mental image, Your's truly, An Earthling - the only border I'll acknowledge.

PS: The above mentioned 'biscuits' are cookies. Who knew? I did. I've studied these things.

PPS: Tom Hiddleston *is* the ultimate British gentleman. Trust me. I have studied this as well.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 15

Education is one thing that has the potential to shape wonderful lives. I was an awesome student until many factors had me closing in on myself in Jr. High. Once old enough, I was working & I was doing correspondence High School courses. The importance of school lost steam with me.

I would not change a thing because I am right where I am supposed to be, but I would have loved to persue many interests.

In my opinion it's not how "educated" you are, how many degrees you have, or even how book smart you are. It's about how willing you are to learn. How much you seek out knowledge. And your eagerness to engage in new things.

It's also important to know that you don't have all the answers. This is of utmost importance when raising children! Learn with them, grow with them, go on knowledge safaris.

Your education does not conclude at the end of your school life... or atleast it shouldn't. Let new information continue to shape you.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 14

Persistence. Never-give-up, can-do attitude. Or atleast, being to stubborn to quit. That's definitely me. I have doubts, I have nights where I just don't think I can handle, or want to handle, anything else. But those moments pass & I finish what I started. And then take on more.

Sometimes I am a tiger. These moments usually involve my children. They make me feel like I can fly. Being given the opportunity to be a mom is like being the most incredible power there is. And with great power... comes a whole lot of crap you're not prepared to handle. (If you get that reference the *highest of fives* goes to you). But mess with my little family, and you're gonna hear me roar.

Yes, some moments I channel Katy Perry: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8

Still other moments get you down. Sometimes, no matter how good you've got it... things get tough. I have it all. Literally, I have the most beautiful family & we have a permanent roof over our heads. And with the current clean bill of health, I really have no complaints. But sometimes I'm just overwhelmed.

There's a book for that. And it just so happens to be the last book I read with my father. And I found in in YouTube form: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RoJuhD_GnkQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DRoJuhD_GnkQ

There is good and bad things that come with persistence. Whether you are having a powerhouse attitude or another blue day, sometimes you've just got to push through. And I'm not one for advice-giving... I certainly don't know how to ask for help. I could literally agree to be in two places at once... and make it happen.

This can be good. Definitely character building. But at best, I end up thinking I'm awesome & then have things blow up in my face: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UtZnRZAm-h4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DUtZnRZAm-h4 and at worst I set myself for a clear breakdown.

The closer I get to 30 I want to remember that my strength is not measured by how much I take on on my own. But the quality of my actions & intentions.

...but I am too stubborn to change my ways. So universe, throw it all my way. "Atleast make it a challenge for me!" I can handle it and I'll do it with a smile. To persevere is in my blood.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 13

Family Movie Night is a bit of a tradition in my family. We pick the kids up from school on Fridays & head straight to Blockbuster (yes, we are still card carrying members). Or we sift through our massive collection. This weekend we marathoned Marvel's Avengers series.

As trivial as entertainment seems, it's a getaway & more than that, it's just one more thing we can bond with our children over. Sharing old movies & having them actually enjoy themselves is always incredible. And discovering new gems together is fun.

When I was young my family had Blockbuster runs & movie nights (albiet less rigid a schedule than we keep). I remember pull out couches, cocoa, & lots of popcorn. Or if we were lucky, ice cream. My dad would always spell it out in a question to my mom before we'd get offered. We all learned how to spell ice cream at an early age. :)

Our favorites were Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jurassic Park, Back to the Future, & later, Independence Day. I remember rewinding some scenes endlessly. (1.21 jiggawatts?!).

Of course it's not all chocolate & microwaved popcorn... our recent movie adventure had us debating the layers of Loki's tortured personality & we pretty much missed most of Thor. Which is funny because my brother & I usually agree on everything. It's okay that he's wrong sometimes. :)

It's fitting that I met my husband while we were both working at a Harkins movie theater. A theater that has since been turned into a health care center. But while they've cemented over our sentiment, they can't stop the memories. We're even hosting our own outdoor movie night for our 30 birthdays.

While music is the soundtrack to life, movies are our escape into another realm. Good stories don't shape who you are, but they help you rest from life's stresses...

Just remember to wake up. Some stories don't want to let you go & then you end up bickering...

Dear Jonathan, "I will not fight you brother!!"

...You can't keep a fangirl (or boy) down for long!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 11/12 :)

As I get closer & closer to 30 I am actually getting giddy. I am so excited to roll into a new age. My husband & I started our life together very young. We packed a lot into our twenties. 4 kids, too many pets to name, our first apartment, our second apartment, owning our own home, jobs, losing family members, climbing work ladders, jumping off of them, & more medical drama than I care to mention.

I'm ready for the next chapter. I was scared to think of it before. I have made a life out of having children. My kids are 3 years apart, 2002, 2005, 2008, 2011... I am waiting for 2014 to leave me yearning for another baby. How do moms transition from baby maker to... well, no more pitter patter around the house?

The kids I have are such an adventure & I have the best partner on the planet. As we build up from the past we form our future. Mine's shaping up to be amazing.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 10

We started a new campaign with the parents at our school to build a community of parents who respond rather than react to a situation. You know, when the parking lot is backed up & it's hot & everyone is cranky - instead of sassing the aides who put your child in your car or pulling over & going in to yell at the poor ladies in the office, you get together with other parents & staff you brainstorm solutions & voice concerns.

I am notoriously a reactor in any given situation. I am a massive emotions-based person. But I crave peace. Peace-of-mind, peace in your heart, & a peaceful environment.

I took this idea from the school & took it home. I started using the stop, step back, & observe approach with the kids. It is not without flaw. It does take effort & time & a TON of patience.

Is that not parenting's great Catch 22? Becoming a parent means you need to be the best example of yourself & you need to show patience & understanding, but being a parent often times has you at the end of your rope, where patience can feel like a four letter word.

But the more I breathe & observe the problematic moments from an objective stand point, the more I see each moment for all its glory. The lessons each troublesome time has to teach.

I am what I feel, but I've learned I can choose where to let my emotions take me.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 9

The older I get, the more I learn. Hopefully this will never stop. One of the most important lessons I've learned is that life is not black & white. A lot of moments, actions, etc exist in a grey area. And most of life's moments are full on rainbow.

People are constantly taking sides, drawing imaginary lines in the sand, & otherwise building walls between each other. This is not only unwise, but unhealthy.

We can't always forget or accept each other's differences, mistakes, or challenges. But we can embrace them & build off of them. Living life as clones or drones w

ould be boring, but living in hostility or passive agressiveness is obviously hurting us as people.

We're all floating around on the same spinning sphere not knowing what's to come & never agreeing on where we came from. The least we can do is do it together.

The next time you're ready to make your mark in the sand, make sure you haven't boxed yourself off from someone who could have helped you grow.

"We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box." - Robert Fulghum

"Life is about using the whole box of crayons." -RuPaul

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing." - John Mayer

30 Days Until 30 - Day 8

Counting down to 30. Come along with me on my journey! We are at day 8 now with only 23 left to go!! Today's topic could be titled "I'll never grow up" but cosplaying is for grown ups, too!

"Cos•play (noun): the practice of dressing up as a character from a movie, book, or video game."

When I was a kid, we called that playing dress up. Creating your own personality complete with costume or taking on that of a beloved fictional character is something all bright young minds attempt at some point in their lives. Some out grow the urge, while others make a living out of it.

Places like comiccons or times like Halloween really draw out those who may otherwise be introverted. I think I may dress up & play pretend now as a mother than I did as a child.

I always feed my children's imaginations, they need to be nourished & held to the utmost importance. Creative outlets are becoming less of the norm for kids today. Art & music are the first on the chopping block at school nationwide. My children are blessed with an amazing drama teacher at their school. My son specifically is a kinesthetic learner & lives for theater as much as he craves science lessons.

Playing pretend, cosplay, using your imagination, acting - whatever you want to call it - it wakes up & draws out things that might not otherwise see the light of day.

We had the unfortunate moment at the store today when a lady was expressing surprise that my daughter was in a Spiderman costume. She told her she loved spiders & superheroes. The lady said that it was "manly, but it's okay. Girls can do that.. they can wear either. Not boys though." I held my composure as we checked out. We all smiled & laughed. As we made our way to the car I gave the usual speech "everyone is entitled to their opinion no matter how misguided..."

My daughter held her head high. I let my son know he could be anybody he wanted to, even Wonder Woman. He scoffed at me. I'm just left wondering how that lady would've reacted had my baby girl still been rocking her Loki horns...

Remember, creative play builds confidence & imagination. And the family that cosplays together stays together!!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 7

Counting down to 30, come along on my journey.

I have 4 beautiful, wonderful children - 3 of which are girls. I go through the normal mom worries about wanting to be a good example for them while also letting them find their own identities.

I teach them to be themselves. They are very unique, each has her own quirks. Some days are down right glitter & nail polish & giggle fits, other days are Spidey sense & agression & dirt. All days are brilliant & fun.

I've found myself actively seeking out females in our entertainment choices... I tend to listen to a lot of male musicians. When my daughter expresses an interest in someone, we listen together. I find my self belting out all the lyrics to Katy Perry's Roar even when I'm alone in the car now.

And my middle daughter literally wanted to be Spiderman, not Spidergirl, Spiderman. I played this up a lot because she felt fearless while portraying the superhero. Now she's into Black Widow & leaps off of all our furniture.

My girls are lucky to have wonderful grandmothers, aunts, & teachers who are empowered women. While I tend to talk most about equality in my house, we sprinkle in plenty of Girl Power along the way.

...Sugar, spice, everything nice, & a dash of chemical x...

30 Days Until 30 - Day 6

Follow along as I reminisce. 6 days in, 25 to go...

I often tell my husband that I could live in a van down by the river with him & the kids & be perfectly content. In all honesty though, our rivers are dried up & also I like indoor plumbing. But more to the point, I could live in *my* van down by the river.

I recently spent a week withou my beloved 'almost bigger on the inside-darker than TARDIS blue' office on wheels. My mobile mediation center. Often times my children's breakfast table & quite frequently center stage to my radio duets.

I have driven this particular vehicle since my 8 year old was little more than my 8 month old. I've driven home 2 newborns in this van, camped next to her multiple times, & sat comfortably under the hatch through many drive in movies. She is a family member. Maybe that's strange, but driving other cars at this point just feels wrong.

I only have loved a car as much once before. I drove an '86 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. I drove her until she died, then got a new engine & drove her until I could no longer afford her extensive repairs. My dad got me that car. I met my husband in that car, we brought our first child home in it. My "check engine" light was a staple on any trip, I'd put my hand over it & ask it politely to get me from point A to point B.

Maybe "luxuries" in life like this don't define who you are, but they sure do shape moments. And what are we, but moments over time.

I may have to retire my van at some point, but until then we will make all the memories we can. Drive in here we come!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 5

Woke up & remembered I didn't share a post last night. The term "day late & a dollar short" sprang to mind.

Nothing can help shape you more & show your true colors than how you are when crap hits the fan, am I right? But life will always throw rocks at you, you just need to get creative when there's no time to duck.

"Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Thomas Wayne

I'm going to leave you all with the number one song that gets stuck in my head after all these years. Have a good one & thanks for reading!!

30 Days Until 30 - Day 4

You know the theme song from "Cheers"?

"...where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came..."

It sprang to mind this morning as I made my way to my daughter's class. We were heading out on another field trip. I've been on so many now I can't remember them all. I did, however, remember the first names of the Park Rangers who led our classes today. That's how often I've attended this particular outing.

Field trips, parent meetings, performances, festivals... I've been volunteering since my 5th grader was a Kindergartener. Today was with my 3rd grader. The first class at the outdoor center involved doing a skit. The ranger needed two parents to be Impact Monsters & destroy the campsite on stage. Before I knew what I was doing my hand was in the air. The other parents looked relieved/amused. We courted the only dad in our class to be my co-monster. The first thing he said to me was "I can't act"... neither can I! What was I doing? I am NOT outgoing in anyway, but here I was eagerly awaiting my turn on stage...

Volunteering has had numerous benefits to my children. They'd be smart cookies either way, I take no credit for their hard work. But the fact that they know the importance of school & find it fun is something I am proud to say I helped pave the way for. They actually enjoy me being around too. Even my daughter loves me being there, though I let her set ground rules. Today she told me I could either "come in the classroom this morning to wait for the bus and not embarass [her] or wait outside"... I opted for outside. :)

The benefits of volunteering for the school are obvious. Folks, they can't do it alone. They want, nay, need you there.

But as I learned today, volunteering has actually helped me out of my shell. I have always been outgoing with children. I ended up with 6 kids in my group today, I immediately dubbed them my Avengers team. All I had to do was say "Avengers assemble" & mine was the straightest line. *Kids get me.*

But I am Ms. Awkward around other adults. Today though I am proud to say, we tore it up on the set & the kids all laughed. We got applause & lectured on how to care for our state parks. It was great.

Volunteering has definitely made it's impact on me.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 3

I'm counting down the days until I hit 30. Follow along with me while I celebrate the people, places, & things that have helped shape who I am today.

Location, location, location...

People in many, many places around the world get struck with the "winter blues" even as soon as autumn hits. The days get shorter, the temperature drops. But where I come from, this is the time of year we find sweet relief.

Phoenix, Arizona - where we are 99 in the shade for a good chunk of the year. We get an abundance of sunshine, but some wicked cool storms during our summer months. Lots of people don't have a very high opinion of Arizona residents, but we are survivors. We don't get days of from work or school because they can't shovel the sunshine from our streets.

Arizona's people are as eclectic as our landscape. Drive awhile & the cacti turn to pine trees. My father was a San Diego native & my mom is from upstate New York (way upstate, she's practically Canadian). Had they met anywhere else I wouldn't have known the enigma that is AZ from the inside. While I'll never know how much a change of scenery would have changed me as a person, I am sure no state in the USA prepares you with thicker skin than the copper state.

I am now raising children of my own here and while we dream of many other locations around the globe we'd love to visit, I'm not quite sure anywhere else would feel like home.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 2

Join me on my countdown to 30 as I explore the topics that shaped who I am today.

From Wikipedia - http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perpetual_motion

Perpetual Motion: "describes motion that continues indefinitely without any external source of energy. This is impossible in practice because of friction and other sources of energy loss."

Perpetual Motion Machine: a "hypothetical machine which, once activated, would continue to function and produce work."

I have often pondered that, with all my human flaws, how I've been so lucky. Why am I so happy? Why, with all the heartache & struggles, and down right insanity that happens to us all, some of which my family is still riding the waves of, am I feeling on top of the world?

Then I realized, I have discovered the source of my optimism: the perpetual motion machine. You know that one that doesn't exist? Well it does & it's taken the form of my family! I used to think of my family, extended & all, as more of a house of cards... or even Jenga. But that means that some of us would be carrying the load while others rest on top. Then I compared us to dominoes - but while we bump each other sometimes, we'd never knock each other down just to get through.

No, we are in constant, seemless motion with one another. Endless energy that carries us through. Never ending, leaving noone behind.

I have had (almost!) 30 years as part of this, quite well oiled, machine. My children & their cousins will keep it going for ages to come. I am so wonderfully proud to be a part of it.

We are the impossible indefinite energy.

30 Days Until 30 - Day 1

I am counting down my final days as a "twentysomething" by dedicating a post each day to something that has shaped me. We all have good & bad moments, habits, loves, pet peeves, etc. This is my way of focusing on the GREAT ones that have made me grow to the.. umm, "adult" I've been told I am today. :) This is Day 1 of the countdown, which coincides with the day, 8 years ago, I lost my father. He was 44 and was a great man with more integrity than most. I learned & inherited a lot from both my wonderful parents (my mom post will be on her birthday so keep a look out!). Besides the integrity & learning right from wrong I inherited something else from my father's side. My spot in line at the gates of Geekdom. If you are a parent, hopefully you are teaching your children to be unafraid of being themselves. Teaching them to embrace their talents, loves, & feelings. My dad never did go out of the way to tell me that being a nerd is okay. He just kept being himself. Star Trek, Quantum Leap, Lord of the Rings... though he never said it, these were his fandoms. Though he'd find "Black Friday" ridiculous, he'd line up for a tech gadget on a whim. He'd marathon science fiction shows & spent many a day at his computer. These are the memories I share with my kids. When we sat down as a family to watch Chuck or Doctor Who I'd tell my kids how much my dad would've loved it. Or when the latest Hobbit movie came out my son knew my dad & him would've been at the theater opening day. Yes, I learned many things from my dad. But my ticket to Nerdvana is the one I cling to & will inevitably pass down. Love you dad!

Very Merry Un-Birthday

Today my father would be 52. He passed away a bit over 7 years ago at the age of 44. He was very religious and we did not celebrate birthdays growing up. I do celebrate them with my family, so today is more awkward than anything. But I couldn't let the day go on without recognizing him. I will however, respect his wishes - so I will just wish him a very merry unbirthday and say that I miss him very much.

 

He did not believe in the afterlife or going to heaven, nor do I. Well, more honestly, I have no set expectations of the afterlife, as we are all ignorant until we arrive. But it will be exciting to find out the last great mystery, won't it? So while I don't believe he is watching over me, I do believe in celebrating the good things and people in my life. He taught me so much. Obviously, if I could change things I would, who wouldn't want to bring a loved one back? But so much of who I am today was born out of losing him. I am grown out of my experiences and mostly at peace with them.

 

I can conjure him up through old photos and memories, telling stories to the kids. One of the hardest things is knowing that he never got to meet 2 of my children. August would've owned him. :) Jacob would've loved to go see The Hobbit with him. He would've loved to laugh at me for ending up with a daughter "just like me" (Rachel I love you!!). And he would've held Hadley in his recliner and fell asleep just like he did when Rachel was tiny. These are the things I try not to think about...

 

Anyway, in conclusion - I love you dad. I miss you. Maybe we'll meet again. But above all, thank you for always being there and teaching me everything you could.

Top 3 Kids Songs for a Great Morning

We all know about the importance of a good night sleep & a healthy breakfast to start your child's day off right. But I say they need a little more. Get them up & moving (and smiling!) with these songs. Kid tested, mom approved! They will put a smile on their face & a skip in their step, as well as showing them all it really takes to have a good day: a positive outlook, a smile, and an attitude that screams "carpe diem!"

Smiling Is Free - Parry Gripp

Today is Gonna Be a Great Day - Bowling for Soup

Best Day Ever - SpongeBob SquarePants

In Memoriam: My Top 7 MCR Tracks

While I say goodbye to the band that held my hand through many a hard time, I felt compelled to write out a list of the songs that meant the most to me. This is by no means a list of my favorite My Chemical Romance songs, which would be impossible to name, but would surely have Cemetery Drive listed at least 5 times. You can read Gerard's goodbye message here and you can click on any song listed below to listen, song titles are linked to youtube videos.


7. Famous Last Words - simply put, my anthem of 2007.

6. Cancer - I avoided this song for a year before I actually listened to it, when I did it forced me to deal with things that I thought I'd dealt with already.

5. Bulletproof Heart - this song could easily be about my husband and I.

4. Helena - this is the song I zone out to, only to be ripped back into reality at the sound of "when both our cars collide." The video is gorgeous and to find out what the song was written about only makes me love it more.

3. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - While Famous Last Words was my anthem, this is the track that was on in my car every Tuesday afternoon as I drove off to group therapy to try and correct the path I chose after dealing, or rather not dealing, with some issues. I always felt humbled and wonderful after a session and would end the evening with a migraine. Every. Single. Tuesday. After my time there I have never had another migraine, but the tools I learned remain and the music still plays on...

2. Welcome to the Black Parade - The beginning of my time with the band, the beginning of my time facing mortality. Wouldn't give this song up for anything.

1. It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish - this song takes on a whole new meaning when you sing it to yourself.

"This hole you put me in, wasn't deep enough, and I'm climbing out right now, you're running out of places to hide from me..."
 

 Today I say goodbye knowing all to well that the music can't die.

~*That Awkward Moment When Even Your Psychiatrist Abandons You*~

I woke up this morning and flipped through Facebook on my phone just like any other day. As I was surfing a Doctor Who fan page that I frequent I was blindsided by the news that My Chemical Romance had called it quits and as sappy or over dramatic as it sounds I literally had tears in my eyes as I spoke the words out loud to my husband. Why am I learning about this here? Surely they could have called!? Why break up with me over the internet?? But there is no scenario in which I would have taken the news like a rational human being. They could have sent David Tennant to my house to hold my hand as he broke the news and I still would have felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. It's like if you were seeing a shrink and then one day you go to their office to discover it boarded up with a note saying "you're on your own."

 

Anyone who uses music as therapy may understand. As I recently told my sister, given the chance to meet Gerard Way in person I would probably lie down on the closest thing resembling a couch and start telling him all my problems. And they just quit. Just. Like. That.

 

I flew through the stages of grief, spending mere seconds in anger. After all, these guys started this band as boys after an American tragedy while going through various substance and emotional trials and are now men with wives and children and incredible experiences - and talent. The kind that the stars had to have aligned to bring together. I'm not mad at them. I don't even need to know why... but whyyyyyyyy?

 

I discovered the band in 2006, the year after my father passed. I was not a kid, but still young. He died of cancer and it was both a slow and impeccably fast process. But afterwards I was always angry that we never spoke of the elephant in the room, the elephant being death. We never talked about the fact that he was dying with him and it wasn't until the night before he died that my siblings, my husband, and our kids sat with my mom in her room until late in the night talking about everything.

 

The Black Parade came out a bit after and you can't miss the overwhelmingly deadly theme running through it. Track 8 is even called Cancer and the words literally ripped my heart out. But it was so therapeutic and I have had so many open discussion about death since then. Including my favorite late night talk with my husband about the afterlife or lack of it ("it can't be *nothing*, if were there to perceive nothing, then that's *something*"). That year we were blessed to see the band live 3 times. I also did a course in what was called "mood management therapy" for my anxiety. We were to rate our days on a scale of 1-10... the first day I got down to a 1 on the difficulty scale was the day after I attended The Black Parade tour.

 

And I never did get to thank them properly. I probably will never have a chance now. But after a day of reflection I have come to the conclusion that I am happy. I see the reaction online from a lot of the fans, many are still so young. Everyone seems to be feeling a connection in their own way, but all anyone needs to remember is this - the people come and go, but the music - that's ours. And that is forever.

 

And to the guys, we knew we couldn't keep you contained for long. You're all on to bigger and better (well, different and amazing) things, hopefully some of which you'll share. Until then, I'll leave you with your own words:

"We'll carry on, we'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone believe me - your memory will carry on..."

 

And Gerard, if you ever need to talk... I'm a great listener.

 

 



The biggest four-letter word of all..

It's been quiet some time since I wrote. After a hectic year and a lot of ups and downs (and downs) we made it out alive. I can sum up last year by saying my favorite four letter word: Life... and it goes on.

I'll be back to chattering away incessantly soon. You are all more than welcome to come along on the ride of life with me. We'll have plenty of ups this year, for that I am sure. But the things we learn and style in which we'll choose to deal as we inevitably head down are quiet worth it.

Hope you all are doing fantastic and up to great things. 

~*~Amber~*~

PS: I am shoulder deep into Doctor Who... I'm sure I'll be blogging about it any minute. If you're a Whovian I hope you'll come back & read when I do. And if you're not, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. ;)