30 Days Until 30 - Day 27

I have been wondering if I should write a post about how mental health has effected who I am. I am 100% comfortable with who I am & it was only recently that I discovered what that meant. I am an emotions based person, I am extremely empathetic, & I also talk too much (or not at all depending on how comfortable I am with who ever I am speaking with).

But the path to uncovering all my layers was riddled with thoughts of "maybe I am just crazy" & "I am overreacting"... figuring out what makes you tick, as well as what your negative triggers are, is a process that happens entirely inside your own mind. If you are not comfortable being inside your own head, then you'll never find your true path in life.

I went from hot blooded teen to married with children quite quickly. After my first child was born I was diagnosed with depression & put on zoloft until I self weaned. The year my second was born I was in the process of losing my father, moving, & dealing with a lot of life changes. Actually not dealing. After a few years I went through the state mental health system - notice I did not say health*care* system - and ended up in group therapy. Apparently I didn't have depression, I had anxiety. I was on medication again a whopping 5 days. I told them how happy it made me, which again, apparently wasn't supposed to have happened. I was then put in group therapy. I was in an amazing group lead by an amazing counselor. I know that I was where I needed to be, learning things I needed to learn. But for the 6 week duration of the program I had the worst migraines, the *only* migraines I had ever had in my life.

I have had two more children since then. I took control of my mental health care after each pregnancy. I realized that most of my ppd was actually new mom anxiety & that I could not handle any birth control that involved hormones. At all. Which really narrows your choices.

But the best thing I realized was that there is nothing broken about me. Through all my growing I have been more aware of my thoughts & feelings. I have been more comfortable owning them, more comfortable showing them. I truly believe some people just have a broader spectrum of emotions than others. Sometimes it leaves you fangirling over some awesome new thing, other times it leads to 1AM debates on the mental stability of a fictional character in a movie who is a metaphor for broken things in our reality.

Regardless of the pros & cons. The minute I took notice of what made my brain tick & stopped trying to fix it is the moment I started enjoying life more.

This is in no way saying mental health issues aren't real or that mental health care isn't needed. It is. Our's is a messy system where people get lost, treated after the fact, or cookie cutter treated. What I am saying is spend sometime with yourself. Learn what makes you you. Get help with what worries you, get guidance with things you can't work through on your own, and talk. A lot.

If you are in need of emergency care, if you are ever feeling like hurting yourself or others, pick up your phone & talk to someone now. 1 (800) 273-8255. The world needs YOU and it needs ME. Most importantly, it needs US to be the best & truest version of ourselves.

Be fearless, be colorful, be honest, be you.